Relationships are hard—romantic relationships, relationships with family members, friendships, and everything else in between. Most importantly, this list should also include self-love and our relationship with ourselves. In this post, I will include my ten greatest tips for cultivating self-love in your self-love journey.

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I have been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years. It blows my mind that it’s already been 4 years, but at the same time, it doesn’t feel that long at all. Being in a relationship with him has been the greatest time of my life, but also the most challenging and transformative. We have been through a lot, including starting a relationship during a global pandemic. The pandemic also magnified my anxiety and depression tenfold, which I’m sure everyone can relate to in one form or another. I was a woman trying to figure out how to be in love with a man while trying to love herself.

I genuinely believe that my boyfriend’s love for me has taught me how to love myself. Don’t get me wrong; he is not perfect. He is human and has his own needs, and we have seen the best and the worst of each other. But I am completely in love with him.

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I have been in other relationships before, and so I feel like going through those experiences has helped me realize how real and different this relationship is. (My stubborn self likes to learn lessons the hard way, unfortunately, lol.)

The difference is, that I have learned that love is a choice.

Obviously, there has to be that initial attraction and interest between people for a relationship to start. But I have learned that love, and being in love is a choice that you have to make to the depths of your soul for it to be real.

That choice, and getting to that point, can be incredibly difficult. I’m fortunate to have a man who is kind, patient, loving, communicative, and in tune with his emotions like no man I have ever known.

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Okay, enough gushing about my man, I need to get back to the point.

My boyfriend’s love for me has really helped me see love in a completely different way.

Growing up, my parents had a complicated relationship (though what relationship isn’t complicated honestly). I’ve also had relationships before that weren’t very healthy (from both sides, I will own my own unhealthy contributions to those relationships, as well), so I didn’t really have a healthy relationship to “reference” back to.

About a year ago, my anxiety and depression were hitting me hard pretty consistently. It was taking a toll on every aspect of my life, including my relationship. I tried so hard to get better, would feel a little better for maybe a day, get dragged back down into the ugly trenches of my mental health, and that cycle would happen over and over.

This was when I was a Mental Health Liaison for my old job (just goes to show that anyone can be affected by mental illness). One random day, I clicked on a “Self-love meditation” on YouTube. It was the end of the workday, I was the last one at that location, and I was trying to meditate more often. I was sitting at the desk, alone, trying to do this self-love meditation, and I suddenly started balling my eyes out.

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For the first time in my life, I realized that I didn’t fully love myself.

That was easily one of the lowest moments of my life. Because it’s one thing if life sucks and external things suck, but it’s another when it’s internal.

I had never really struggled with that before. But when it was at the forefront, I realized that I had lost myself.

And I realized, how could I expect to love someone else when I don’t love myself?

It terrified me, and now looking back that’s probably where my self-love journey really began.

I feel like society emphasizes so much on relationships with others. Don’t get me wrong, social interactions and maintaining healthy relationships are important for a lot of reasons, mental health included. I need healthy social interaction to help with my anxiety and depression. But who teaches us self-love? To have a strong, healthy, vulnerable relationship with ourselves?

When was the last time someone asked you, “Do you love yourself?”

Have you ever been asked that question? Have you ever even thought about it?

If your answer is “yes”, then I am genuinely happy for you. Because that is admirable and hard to do. I will put on a happy song and dance around and celebrate that with you.

If your answer is “I don’t know”, or “No”, you are not alone in this world. I am sending you a hug and a warm beverage of your choice in spirit and to cry with you if that’s what your heart and body need.

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Love is hard. Loving someone else is hard. Loving yourself can be even harder.

Now here is my caveat, I am not an expert. Do I perfectly cultivate self-love every single day? Of course not! I still struggle with self-love, sometimes daily. But that’s okay because I try. And I am still enough and worthy, even on my worst days. And so are you.

I am not a licensed therapist, I am just a woman with anxiety and depression just trying to help out anyone else who has struggled like I have. Because our brains have a way of telling us we’re not “normal”, or alone in this world. Please know, you are not.

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1. Patience

It’s funny because I actually have a ton of patience. At work, I had a crazy amount of patience for kids with behavioral issues, or traumatic backgrounds. In life, I don’t mind if things take a few extra minutes because life happens sometimes. Even driving, I always try to let people merge.

But for myself? I struggle to give myself grace and patience. The anxious perfectionist in me expects me to succeed, and know how to do everything perfectly the first time. I should just know how to love myself, not be anxious, and be perfect. Healthy right?

In those hard times, take a deep breath and give yourself any patience you can. I promise, it helps. Journeys take time. And sometimes there are bumps along the road because that’s life.

2. Have Faith in Yourself & Believe in Yourself

Now obviously, that is a loaded statement and WAY easier said than done. But if you don’t have your own back and believe in yourself, who else will?

With this, I try to remember how much I’ve been through and overcome. Any time I have put my mind to something, I have accomplished it one way or another. It may not have always happened how I expected it to, but it happened nonetheless.

Quitting my job and moving to a new state was making me feel lost and without a purpose. Full transparency, I started this blog because it was something I could do to believe in myself again. Just to prove to myself that I could. So, if you’re struggling with that, find something you can do to be a catalyst in your self-love journey for believing in yourself again.

3. Self-compassion and self-forgiveness

Again, WAY easier said than done. I still struggle with this, and probably always will. However, for myself, having compassion toward others has helped me to have more compassion for myself.

Everyone struggles. We all have hard days, do things we’re not proud of, and have hurt others. We’re human. So, it’s okay to forgive yourself for your dark moments. We are all doing our best with what we have, and we all deserve a little compassion and forgiveness, even from ourselves.

I’ve usually been naturally compassionate towards others. You don’t have a job in the mental health field without it. But if I can be compassionate towards someone struggling, why shouldn’t I show myself the same courtesy? I deserve compassion just as much as they do. And so do you.

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4. Show up for Yourself

What does this look like for you? For me, it’s making sure I shower, brush my teeth, wash my face, etc. It’s also doing my hair, and putting on an outfit for the day that makes me feel good. Even if I’m not leaving the house. Some days I wear jeans, and some days I just put on a clean pair of sweatpants.

Showing up for myself can also be in those harder moments when I have to practically force myself to journal, meditate, and eat a good meal because it’s good for me.

Or, maybe you’re starting a new job or hobby that no one else understands, but you know it’s right for you and your well-being.

We are all on our self-love journeys, so do whatever feels right to you to cultivate self-love in YOUR journey.

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5. Asking for Help when you need it and Taking breaks when you need to

This is something I sincerely struggle with. I have an amazingly supportive boyfriend, and I still struggle to this day to ask for his help, even when he has blatantly told me that he wants to help me. With my anxiety, I get into “survivor”/”work mode” and go, go, go. In the moment, I think I’m fine, but once I take a breath I realize how worked up I am and it’s really hard for me to come down from that.

I also need to make sure I eat, otherwise, my anxiety gets even worse. So that’s something I try to keep in mind and get help with. It’s so interesting that I can clean an entire kitchen, but the thought of making a sandwich completely overwhelms me when my anxiety is heightened. Can anyone else relate? A few weeks ago, after cleaning the kitchen, I went and asked my boyfriend for help making a sandwich. And he did. I was able to eat and take a break, and I was able to calm down my anxiety. It may seem small, but to me, asking him for help and to make me a sandwich, was a really big win for me.

What do you need help with right now? How, and who, can you ask for help when you need it?

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6. Doing hard stuff that’s good for you and your future self

Now this stems from the side of love that isn’t always fun but is necessary. My boyfriend and I have been through a lot, and we have disagreements and healthy conflicts. Is it fun to be in those vulnerable moments together, crying, and trying to understand each other when your emotions get in the way? No. But it’s necessary for our love to work and grow, and we wouldn’t be where we are without it.

Sometimes self-love involves healthy conflict with yourself.

For self-love, this may be having difficult conversations with yourself to grow. It might be incorporating more vegetables and fruits into your diet, or drinking more water. Maybe it’s realizing you can’t do it alone, and reaching out to a therapist.

Self-love is choosing yourself, and working on yourself even when it’s painful because your well-being and happiness are worth fighting for.

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7. Validate your feelings, and let them do what they need to

Undoubtedly this falls under the category of No. 6, but it’s something I work on constantly and felt like it deserved its own category.

Regardless if it’s a romantic partner, a parental figure, or a close friend, you want them to just validate your feelings. Now, this is not to say they have to absolutely agree with everything you say or all of your decisions, but when your feelings are hurt you want them to validate your hurt feelings. We must do that for ourselves, too.

Do you need to instantly fix yourself and be perfect all the time? Absolutely not. We are all human. If your body just needs to cry for a sense of relief, then cry. If you need to be angry for a minute, you’re allowed to be angry. Feelings may be complicated and messy, but they are always valid because they are your feelings. Self-love includes holding and validating your feelings when you need to.

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8. Surround Yourself with things that will help to cultivate self-love in your journey

This could be people, social media, TV, movies, and even books, or music.

When you’re surrounded by negativity, it’s easy to get swept up in that. Or, if there’s someone in your life who doesn’t add to your self-love and self-worth, maybe you need to dial back on how often you interact with them.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I have an “In My Feels” playlist and need a sad movie to cry to every once in a while.

Through my life experiences, I have had friends and relationships come and go, but the ones that I put an effort toward are the ones that put an effort towards me. Surrounding myself with the amazing boyfriend and friends I have now has such a positive impact on my life. And with that, removing myself from people or situations (work situations included) is just as important.

Plus, I love cheesy Rom-Coms books and movies, take a break from technology when I need to, can always watch Gilmore Girls or Will & Grace reruns when I need to feel good and laugh, and found a boyfriend who tells me I’m beautiful without being asked.

What things have you surrounded yourself with that encourage self-love? Where do you need to reassess a few things?

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9. Treat yourself

Writing this made me think, you know when you receive a random gift from someone you love and it just makes you feel good? Even if it’s from the dollar store? Simply because they thought of you and loved you? Well, there’s no shame in doing that for ourselves.

If it’s within your financial means, I say treat yourself. And the best part is? You’ll definitely like it because you’re the one who picked it out! Sometimes we need a little pick-me-up to get us through those hard days on our self-love journey because sometimes it’s hard and exhausting.

My most recent treats for myself are this one drink I get that tastes like an orange creamsicle from a tea place by my house, a dark green tumbler cup from Five Below that was like $5 because I loved the color and texture, and last but not least, Winnie the Pooh chip clips from HomeGoods. After all, they simply made my heart happy.

What’s the last random little treat or gift you’ve gotten yourself?

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10. Don’t give up on yourself and Remember that you are enough

If you take nothing else from reading this, this is the one I want you to remember when you are struggling and in your dark moments. Don’t give up on yourself. Love is a choice, self-love is a choice, and loving yourself means that you choose to never give up on yourself.

If all you can do is survive to the next day, hour, minute, second, then do whatever it takes. I have been in those dark depressive moments of feeling completely hopeless and worthless. But in those moments, no matter how much it hurt, I chose myself.

Love is ugly, vulnerable, and sometimes brutal. But it is also freeing, beautiful, and hopeful. Self-love is no exception.

You are enough. You are worthy. And you deserve to be here. Don’t. Give. Up. 💛

I hope my ten tips have helped you to cultivate self-love in your self-love journey. What tip resonated with you the most? Would you add anything else to this list? I’d love to hear it!

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